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As with most traumatic situations in our daily lives, I’d found myself in a state of blinding panic after my computer had terminally quit on me. OMG! Here we were less than two weeks into the new year and all I could think of, was how broke Christmas had left us! How on earth was I ever going to resolve what was now a massive problem for me?
With a colossal headache brought about firstly, by feeling bad about the prospect of having to purchase a new computer and secondly, about what that would do to our finances, I sat staring at the computer screen hoping to find some way to resurrect the situation. But eventually, I had to give in to the stark reality of my dilemma. I had to tell my husband Bob, whose deep gasp when I informed him how much it was going to cost, told me precisely how he was feeling!. But then just like that, he added:
“It’s only a computer. You can’t feel guilty about that!”
Of course I cried. I always do… but this time it was different. I found myself completely engulfed with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my husband who didn’t hesitate to transfer the funds necessary that would enable me to purchase the new computer. So much to appreciate from a man who never falters in his belief of me, and not just for who I am as an individual, but what I am capable of doing if I can learn to stop being so hard and so unforgiving of myself during times of weakness.
For the first time that I care to remember, I was able to define how I was feeling in that moment. And with that came an understanding of what gratitude is, at least for me;
GRATITUDE - a deeply comforting, warming and humbling emotion that engulfs your whole being; a sacred and very personal moment in time when you know unequivocally, that there is nothing you need, except time in the present.
It was momentous…so totally consuming!
The Fizzer?
When I changed tact, when I elected to remove myself from that hallowed experience, when I chose to get out of the house and spend time on my own instead of taking time out, at home. A quick escape to my favourite haunt, a quiet beverage, a few dollars and just like that, every tiny bit of warming comfort and humbling sensation that consumed me a couple of hours previously, had in a flash abandoned me. And there was no getting it back. I was devastated!
“How could I have allowed myself to be so stupid?”
But there was definitely a lesson to be learned from that; driven by my desperate desire to somehow hang onto that feeling the next time it happened to me I began researching as much as I could about AN ATTITUDE OF GRATTITUDE. I needed to be able to decipher precisely what it was and why some could achieve it yet sadly, why most couldn’t. I had to know!
A moment of enlightenment; developing an ‘Attitude of Gratitude’ as it is so commonly phrased and or referred to, was not only much simpler than I thought, it was best of all very adaptable. I could create new patterns of behaviour or habits if you like in my everyday life that would through diligence of effort and the passage of time, work for me. All I needed to be certain of, was that this is my life and likewise, this is indeed my time to make things happen for me.
But there was one slight little nuance I failed to comprehend no matter how hard I tried; knowing that my biggest downfall in life has always been my stubbornness in failing to yield. That ‘my way or the highway’ attitude whilst extremely defensive, has for the most part ensured at least mentally, that I was never beyond a recoverable state for myself. Having in fact been my fight back or get swallowed up survival mechanism ever since a toddler, I struggled to allow even a smidgen of room for compromise in my adolescent, single or married life. Hence my dilemma in not being able to comprehend or accept the title of ‘An Attitude of Gratitude’ in its current form.
An attitude is the result of a person's assessment of a situation or someone in that situation, with the evaluation often being reflected in their behaviour towards that person. Attitudes generate from the head and are comprised of thoughts, evaluation of thoughts and any subsequent actions.
Feelings are the spontaneous emotions generating from the heart; emotions such as happiness, sadness, anger, or fear. Those feelings can be fleeting or long lasting and are often based on a person's individual history, an example of which could be; “If you see someone who has previously caused you harm then you might feel fearful”
It wasn’t until I had separated the two that it made sense as ATTITUDE for me entailed both ‘how I looked at things and how I comprehended them’ whereas GRATITUDE or lack thereof, was purely and simply, how I felt about anything that had gone down in my past, was going down in the present, or might at some point, go down in the future. It was that very clear distinction that enabled me to not just write from my heart, but to really grasp the opportunity to write my first article for 2025 and to likewise, consciously change the title of ‘An Attitude of Gratitude’ to FROM ATTITUDE TO GRATITUDE (15 Jan 2025).
In raw and easily understood terms, the whole process is about transformation: taking all that holds you back by way of thought, processing of thought and subsequent action, then changing it. Converting it if you will. Having been the product of my own negativity for the best part of seven decades, there was much to change and many skeletons to be tossed from the closet of shame and fear. I could be here a long time!
Acceptance was not my issue, at least not this time round. And neither was the issue of self-honesty…it was the ‘HOW TO’ part of the equation that got me!
I searched online and after perusing several articles I uncovered some key pointers that with my own spin and assemblance of order applied to them, could well lead me in the right direction:
Read more part
The Power to Embrace Gratitude
Cultivating a Heart of Gratitude
© Judi Nash
